Things I've Heard That I Might Say To Christopher Titus....

 Actually, in one instance, I might be cheating a little, because nobody has actually full-on said "It disturbs me when I think you're hot," but I do think that a lot of the weird reactions to my dating profile might have come out of a similar place. But it's harder to understand because I was not paid by a streaming platform to riff on all my deepest, darkest secrets, but just trying to share life in a disabled body.(I used to not even admit that because it was like some "Mean Girl" "So, you think you're pretty," thing, and like Cady, I did not begin my life with some irrational  loathing of some part of my body that I had to be taught to think about,ie, giant thighs or thick ankles.  (Over time, I've just learned to save time and not like any of it.  #winning. But I do match American beauty ideals in some ways.)

But I do understand that feeling of feeling okay after hearing someone else's story after I watched the stand-up special "Carrying Monsters"definitely feel like mine might fit in one of those baby harnesses now! 

For "Get A Job!1"I'd Have To Get HIRED!"

 Not that anything about this will ever be that simple, work won't love any of us back, and all that kind of stuff, right? Also, ableists, not that you want to help me out, but you *could* pick a lane instead of trying to make us count angels on a pin between, say "Get A Job, You Lazy Fraud!1", "DEI is Bad." "You Are Too Gross To be Seen In Public." Also, if you want us to work, stop carrying your bosses' water in vilifying working at home.  It is the best option for many of us.

A lot of online commenters act like just our deciding to get a job is the deciding factor in whether we get one or not.  This is news to me, and it would definitely be news to my eager, earnest recent-graduate self still trying to stay high on the fumes of the ADA becoming law after about fifteen years or something like that--a task at least as hard as putting on those "professional" thigh-highs. 

I was not, you know, a perfect fit for any of the jobs I went on so I can't say with perfect assurance that I was discriminated against.  It wasn't a matter of fitting back into some old field that I could adapt physically.  I was young and inexperienced...people saw me, more than my work.(Even though that woman feels like a different person from me now, from time to time I still think 'Check it out, I wouldn't have to use my mother as a reference,"(I wasn't a perfect fit, but I still think I could have done all right doing some of them. I have to say that one more time, even though I'm not secretly yearning to help rich people set up foundations to shield their money from taxes these days. It doesn't even hurt anymore, but somebody does have to take a chance on you, not just decide it would look bad to turn you away.)

The contrast between what people thought about my actual being and even that pup's resume is one of the painful things that I think about when I can't sleep at three AM. And, no, having a hiring manager look you full in your eyes and tell you your responding to an ad is "One of the bravest things you've ever seen," didn't inspire confidence that we'd be yucking it up in the breakroom later.  Nobody wants to share space with that person. And at least, I got to meet people, not get ruled out by a computer and a big old pile of keywords that aren't gonna match my experience. it is probably even harder now.

 

I'll have you know, I sold the *shit* out of the Bic in that interview...other people watched me. I wish I could have taped it  and sent it to Bic.com.  Maybe I'd be blogging about my writing around my life in office supplies.(Not really, probably but I can spend a lot more time than most women my age imagining alternate timelines for myself--it is the most fun part of having a life that almost happened.  Because it *could have* right?)

I stopped looking because people wanted too much availability from a body that is only predictable on a part-time basis and because  a job that I could physically manage and that fits around my benefits...at least in the private sector was revealed to be kind of a cozy fiction.

 

"It's The Apologies That Drive Me Mad."

 

I thought I knew what “I Swear” was going to be so much, I thought writing about it would be as obligatory as a side project can be—more like being a beat reporter than pretending I really got to be a cultural scribe like the people I’ve online-met from Vulture and Salon. Because we’ve all seen that movie multiple times by now, right?

Dedicated, crusading mom finds the beauty in her freakshow kid who uses the ability in his inabilities to carry the day on the soccer pitch, right? Blah, blah, blah. If that had truly been my job (Or is it?) I might have felt tempted to scribble something down to that effect already.

. But that would have been wrong…it’s not that kind of movie, at all. (And, no, being among the “Most Liked” on Netflix so far this week is not a great tip-off in that direction, either.  Mainstream America apparently loves themselves an “I know my boy, and he’s still in there, Dr.  Smith!1” like it loves pie. Some of their most liked have been my Most Eyerolls.) Even in non-American versions like this one might have been.

 The loving mum in “I Swear” doesn’t end up handling the pressure and a neighbor, facing her own health crisis, steps up to help support the ticcing teen and become part of the support system he doesn’t get from his own parents. These are painful moments in a real life so I hate to say that the views of the Scottish countryside after young John fails to exhibit his earlier precocity on the soccer pitch in front of a coach from out of town and either jumps or falls into the river—I haven’t been a critic in enough places to be that jaded—but it was a sign that we got beyond the tropes of it all, and that’s what made me pay attention and stick this film out.  Not like “More abandonment and suicide attempts, please!”, I promise, although the disability experience can be a dark one at times. Or maybe I should say something like “Being that different,” because John Davidson (As far as I know, not connected to the toothy late American broadcaster that hearing the name makes me think of) doesn’t self-identify as a disabled person.   

There is nothing like a film about Tourette’s Syndrome to make you think about how much of what is polite can be seen as repression of one’s first thought (although it would seem that verbal tics are often composed of the things a person might know might be the worst things one could say in a specific environment or context.)

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'Women and Computers Have Wrecked This Country."

 With  all due respect to the latest Springsteen criticismh I should have been less surprised by the rise of Trump because Married With Children” became a hit while I was still in high school.

.I didn’t watch it a lot at the time, I think my early goals for entertainment were annoyingly high-minded(I was often looking to be Inspired) which left me unprepared to watch the Bundys take it in the skid- marked shorts on a weekly basis. At the time, I think I might have read the show’s determinedly scruffy smuttiness(In early seasons they are careful to add a last scene to remind us these people love each other, which reminds me of my mother’s reaction “Why do these people bother?  Divorce is a thing.”) as a reaction to the sitcom tradition of family perfection, with the wise, loving parents that say the right thing even if Wally and The Beaver or Denise and Theo aren’t ready to hear it, the comfortable, yet ill-defined job that meets all needs and more than wants despite never being enough to take parents from the domestic action, and all the rest of that stuff.  That ls true, but it could also be seen as rejecting the modern world…the Bundy teens are even shown as missing medical care and vaccinations from time to time, but that may be more of a combination of parental indifference and Al’s job not providing benefits than some concerted effort to not believe in science, but it did catch my attention given who’s currently in charge.

On a somewhat related note, if they bring achieving kids back to TV shows, will that be a sign that society's expectations are on the up-swing again? I've noticed since  Bud and Kelly it's become more acceptable for the children on family shows to be screw-ups or even have a diagnosis of some sort...given the preoccupation with representation here, I'm not complaining as such, but I'm wondering if that reflects greater acceptance of people who are not lettering in three sports or the prom queen, which might be good, or a resignation that people get what they get, even in America, which might be sad. I'm not sure. Thoughts? 

(I suppose that you could say “Married” is also the anti-workplace sitcom as well- Al has friends at work, but they are not a close unit that won’t turn on each other and they struggle with arbitrary demands from their female boss, Gary.) Al struggles with a modern world full out automated hold messages, cancelled television shows and tax and auto-insurance bureaucracy that won’t lead to the wide-open spaces no matter how often Al watches “Shane” and cries. Instead of the dad we wish we had, maybe Al is the id for the dad many of us actually got, which might be why my mother remains not fond of the show

Personally, I prefer the Rhodes are the neighbors, even though the D’Arcy relationship is somewhat fascinating both due to Marcy’s dominance and McGinley’s triumph overthe show-killing legend. But by the time the second marriage happens, the show is  well on the path that so many other shows take of becoming a sort of live-action cartoon. You might think Jefferson’s needy-gigolo act is funny, if somewhat contradictory, but I don’t think very many of us have really met that person in the same way we might have met Marcy and Steve.  (Maybe a lot of us have some Marcy and Steve in us, though I mostly don’t mean that in a dirty way.)

Marcy and Steve are fairly politically correct for bankers(“woke” wasn’t a thing for white people to say at that point, but they might have still loved to hear it about themselves someday. They are kind of the people that buy those signs that say  “In this house, we believe” but they are probably too distracted by their separate mommy issues to really be an effective ally for anyone, at least in the long-term. I think their biggest wish, more even than money or toys is to Get it Right. Steve spends a lot of time thinking about what it means to be a man, but for much of the series he uses that energy to go along with what Marcy wants, or play-acting that Al is a bad influence that he can’t ignore(Al is powerless in general, but has a lot of sway over both Marcy’s guys…probably from appealing to buried worst instincts. Steve later abandons Marcy to live out a boyhood dream to be a forest ranger, and for a while Marcy thinks that materialism will drive her husband back to her.

 

I Have Bigger Wishes...

 Don't worry, we don't have to talk about how they don't come true today, but rewatching The West Wing on streaming makes me wish I didn't show up after the party was over.  I wish that I could have heard about Bartlet's MS revelations in a way that provided real suspense--watching on cable or something after the first run takes suspense out of re-election too.

Politics has shifted a lot since that was on, too.  Trying so hard to distance the religious right from the impulse that creates terrorism in "Isaac & Ismael(AKA- Jossed by 9/11 attacks episode) feels particularly antique.  Most of that episode does, really, but since I've only watched it twice--once much closer to the events in question, I can at least remember some comfort from this awkward attempt at Larger Themes(Which is why The West Wing reminds me of MASH than any other show, really.) 

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